“It’s not just for kids!”
A time out is an emergency break, a rip stop, a circuit breaker that protects your relationship from injury. You utilize it to STOP a runaway train or an interaction before or while it has crossed into escalation. Time outs have one job – to halt a destructive interaction between you and your partner.
Process:
1. One of the partners calls “Time Out” with words or a visual symbol (such as making a “T”). Time outs can be called in one of four places – while either partners is getting escalated or while either partner is escalated. Wordage: “I am going to take a time out now and we will talk about this later.” That promise of return is essential!
2. The other partner honors the request, even if he/she feels that the time out is unfair or unnecessary.
3. The conversation goes on hold.
4. Both partners remove themselves for a minimum of 30 minutes, ideally with some kind of physical boundary. Both engage in a self-soothing, de-escalating behavior.
5. The partner that calls the time out checks in every 15 minutes with a text: “Checking in.” The other partner returns the text: “Checking in.”
6. When de-escalated, add to the “Checking in” that you are ready to talk. Make sure you come back to talk ready to make peace rather than ready to re-engage the conflict.
7. Re-engage at an agreed upon time and repair.
Tips:
- Time outs are unilateral. However, they are also sacrosanct. They must be respected.
- Take the time out from the “I.” Do not ask for permission or use “we” language such as, “let’s take a time out.”
- Call the time out in a moderate and clean way. Then, LEAVE. Don’t stand there and keep talking.
- Keep in mind that time outs are meant as a safety valve for the relationship. They are not to be used as punishment.
- Keep in mind that the male brain often takes longer to de-escalate than the female brain.
- Remember, once you are de-escalated, you will feel better. This does not mean that the issue/injury is resolved. But, you are now ready to have a repair conversation from your adult self.
- Note if there are repeated conflicts. If so, you may need some outside help to not continue to trip over the same issue. Know when to seek consultation.
